Nocturnal By Nature
by GA.GIRL33
Summary: Set after Edward left in New Moon. Bella is tortured with emotional pain caused by Victoria. After the Cullens return Bella has to find it in herself to forgive them. Jake and Bella are JUST FRIENDS.OCC rated for language violence and lemons later.
1. Preface Awaken

**A/N – Flashback is from page 401 of Twilight. (like you didn't already know that, LOL)**

_The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.  
-__**Publilius Syrus**_

**PREFACE **

He's gone.

I was vaguely aware of my surroundings. Every now and then I would catch a word or two of someone's voice, but never enough to figure out whose it was. It was never the voice I wanted to hear.

Somewhere in my mind, I knew that I was hurting my parents and that I should stop lying here, lost in my own daydreams. I just couldn't find the will to do it. In my dreams, Edward was still here with me. I could hear my lullaby humming softly from his lips, I could see his angelic face smile at me, and if I tried really hard I could almost feel his lips on mine. It hurt far too much to try that hard.

I knew he was gone. I wasn't as delusional as the doctors thought I was. I just refused to take part in a reality that he wasn't a part of. I preferred to stay with Edward, here in my head.

All I wanted was for everyone else to leave Edward and me alone.

I only ate when someone tried to force food into me. I would sit up enough to pick a few bites of the always tasteless, gritty food someone brought to me. As long as I took three bites twice a day and drank one bottle of water, they would leave Edward and me alone. Every few days, someone would come and try to give me a sponge bath. The moment I would feel the warm wetness on my body, I would stand and walk lifelessly to the bathroom. I would give them a shower and they would leave Edward and me alone. I was aware of the crisp sheets that would welcome me back to my bed, but I made no outward sign of recognition. I would climb back into my bed, and get lost in my dreams again.

A doctor came by once a week; I would hear the murmurs of whom I assumed to be Charlie or Renee discussing my progress, or lack thereof. Apparently they came to the conclusion that medication would help. After a few days of fighting it off, I would swallow a small cup of pills twice a day and they would leave Edward and me alone.

Don't misunderstand me, I was angry. There was an infinite amount of explicit, vulgar things I wanted to scream at Edward, but I still loved him. He still held my heart. The doctors couldn't understand why their pills didn't help. They couldn't understand that I had no medical malfunction, that my soul was simply gone.

I no longer went to school. At the beginning they tried to force me, but eventually they realized they couldn't just drag my dead weight around all day long. Even if they did, it's not like I paid attention. I knew Angela Weber came by occasionally, and that Billy and Jacob Black were here a lot. I very rarely left my bed, but even when I did, I brought Edward with me. I didn't speak at all, although I overheard someone talking about how I was always humming. I don't know what that was about.

They say I am catatonic, I say I'm just lost.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**6 months later**

I woke up when I had an epiphany.

I was still lost inside my head, watching the night the James debacle started in the Cullen's house. 

_Edward's tone was deadly. "As soon as Bella is clear, we hunt him."  
"I guess there's no other choice," Carlisle agreed, his face grim.  
Edward turned to Rosalie._  
_"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," Edward commanded. She stared back at him with livid disbelief.  
"Why should I?" she hissed. __**"**__What is she to me? Except a menace – a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."  
I flinched back from the venom in her voice……….._

Let me explain.

I would relive my memories of Edward, Carlisle, Esme, and his siblings in my mind. I have watched Edward Cullen walk in to the cafeteria at Forks High hundreds of times in my head. I don't make up things, or have fake conversations; I simply replay the same wonderful memories over and over, like a broken record.

There have been a shameful amount of times I have relived memories and hated myself. I was so weak; I would just cower behind my curtain of hair, or blush and refuse to make eye contact. As long as I was pleasing other people, I would keep my mouth shut. I let people railroad over me, insult me, and hurt me, all without saying my piece. I hate that now. If Edward didn't want to do something that I wanted to, we just didn't do it. Rosalie could be as big of a bitch as she wanted, and I would just try to avoid her. Jasper could act like he didn't want me around and I would leave the room. Emmett could make jokes all day long at my expense, and I wouldn't even dream of retorting him with an equally rude reply. Alice could pout and whine to dress me up or get me to do whatever it was she wanted and I would fold. This particular memory is no different.

It's disgusting to see how I could stand there so pathetically weak, and let her speak about me so harshly without even the thought of defending myself. How could I ever believe I would be good enough for Edward, to be enough to earn his love?

I never did anything for me. It was all for them, and look what they did to me in return.

I love them, _all_ of them, more than I could ever try to explain to you. I'm not saying any of these traits of theirs are bad ones. In fact, it's just the opposite. These traits make them who they are.

There is only one memory with Edward I don't replay.

The Wood.

When my memory gets to that part, I just hit rewind and start over. If I had the chance to be in those woods with Edward again, I would say so many other things. I would fight with him, I would fight FOR him. I would yell, curse, lie, cheat, beg, and plead; whatever it may have taken. I can't live with the fact that I just stood there and let him walk away.

It was with this train of thought that I found the strength to leave my 'Edward reality'. I knew I would come back to it, but I also knew that letting this hurt control me was keeping me the same weak Bella I had been. I knew I would never love again, and that my life wouldn't be full of the joy I once believed it capable of. But I knew that I could get up, I could talk with my mother and father, I could get an education, I could help people, I could have friends, and have tons of teenage experiences. It was at this point I started yelling at myself.

_Damn it, Bella, STOP. Get your ass up and fix this mess! Just think about how much you've hurt the people that care about you! When did you become such a wimp? Seriously Bella! What happened to the girl that wasn't afraid to sass people or confront them? When did you become someone who ran away to hide? What the hell have you let yourself become? Quit being a whiny ass bitch, NOW! _

_GET THE FUCK UP BELLA! Get up, STAY UP, and face the fucking music, FOR THEM! You have NOTHING to hide from. No one can hurt you more than you've already been hurt. You have NOTHING TO LOSE!!!!_

I would not and could not continue this pathetic excuse of an existence as 'poor little weak Bella'. I have no reason to be weak and let people walk over me. The truth hurts; no one knows that better than me. No one can hurt me or break me any worse than I already am. Losing Edward was my only fear.

I can be strong now, simply because I have _nothing_ left to lose.


	2. Chapter 1 Alone in this bed

**A/N – WOW this is fucking scary! OK, this is my first attempt at fan fiction. Hope you enjoy it half as much as I have enjoyed other fictions on this site. Feel free to ask any questions….R&R and all that. Um, well I guess that's all. Maybe someone will read it! LOL**

_Everything hurts.  
-__**Michelangelo**_

**CHAPTET 1 - Awaken**

I let my eyes drift open and instinctively they squinted away from the harsh light coming in my window. It wasn't abnormally sunny, but a bright grey light that hurt to look at for too long, although that may have more to do with my unused eyes than the light. It took longer than it should for my eyes to focus on my ceiling. I just laid there for a moment, rethinking my epiphany, making sure this is truly what I wanted to do.

Slowly, I sat up, my comforter falling to a puddle at my waist. I looked over at the clock.

2:12pm. Huh.

I had no idea what day it was, hell I didn't even know what month it was.

I looked around my room. Everything looked the same; except there was now a small side table with a novel and some magazines on it which sat beside the rocking chair. I wasn't really prepared for the pain that flooded me upon looking at the chair. Immediately I was bombarded with images of Edward sitting there, with his head lying back and his eyes closed, my lullaby quietly ringing from his lips.

So damn peaceful.

My mind started to drift to the first time I saw him rocking in it, watching me, the morning after he took me to our meadow-

_STOP IT, BELLA! _

I tried to shake the thoughts from my head. It wasn't completely possible, but if I tried hard enough to focus on something else, I found I could numb myself to the pain. This was my plan of survival. On my own time I could wallow and remember, and let the pain consume me, but during the day I would attempt to live.

I kicked the blanket off of my legs, stood, and with a surprising amount of pain, and an even more surprising amount of strength on my part, I walked out of my bedroom and left the comfort of Edward for the first time.

I walked past the bathroom door, headed for the stairs, contemplating a shower before heading downstairs. Yes, I was procrastinating. No, I don't really care. I figured it would be better to put the shower off, mostly because it would serve as an excellent excuse to get back upstairs in the event that I couldn't handle what waited for me downstairs. No one could deny my need for a shower.

My legs shook when they had to bear my full weight individually on the stairs; I gripped the railing in case they failed me. If I would've taken the time to think about it, I would've understood my leg muscles were severely weakened by lack of use, but at that moment it just angered me. Here I was, determined to be strong, and it was all I could do to keep myself from falling over. Perfect.

As I stepped off the last step, I noticed the quiet. I was so sure someone would be here, but what the hell do I know about the goings on around here nowadays?

The living room was the same, other than a magazine here or there and the fact that it was slightly messier than it used to be. The kitchen on the other hand was completely different.

There was a stack of newspapers and mail on the table alongside several to-go boxes. The counter was littered with chip bags, an open loaf of bread, a box of donuts, an unopened bag of individually wrapped Reese's, another of mini Kit-Kat's and a half empty bulk-size box of Chicken flavored Ramen noodles. The trash needed to be taken out and I could see a lot of microwaveable food boxes, as well as more to-go containers. Clearly no one bothered cooking around here.

I don't recall making the decision to walk over to the sink but that's where I ended up. Both sides of the sink were full of dirty dishes, one side apparently left for soaking days ago. The bubbles were gone, and there was a greasy film around the edge of the freezing water.

I noticed a small plastic basket on the edge of the windowsill, full of medicine bottles, all labeled to Isabella Swan. I snatched the basket, and dumped it onto the counter. There were seven different bottles, all with different dates and directions. I knew I took some medicine, but I was stunned to see so much. Different words jumped of the labels at me: _for Severe Depression, Sleep aid, Anxiety, Eating Disorder, Comatose, Psychosis, Tranquilizers. _

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I knew I took a pill or two, but to see the amount of pills they had for me just boggled my mind. I knew what it was like to be on the inside looking out, but for the first time I truly wondered what it was like to be on the outside looking in. What did everyone see when they looked at me? Did they really think I was this bad? Was I really this bad?

I decided to clean, but not for the obvious reasons. I was alone, and I honestly didn't trust myself to not go running back to Edward without something keeping me busy. I opted to wait longer on the shower because 1. It would be pointless to shower then return to cleaning this mess and 2. I still wanted to have it as a reason to leave should the need to bail arrive.

About an hour into my cleaning, the front door opened and closed. I froze. I vaguely wondered why I didn't hear a car, but didn't focus on the fact. I turned my head to the kitchen doorway. I had no idea who it was, what the hell I would say, or even worse what they would say. The funny thing was, I didn't really care. I knew they couldn't hurt me, I can always retreat back to 'Edward reality' if the going got too tough, even if that was the easy way out. I didn't want to rely on that fact for my new found strength but I knew it was there, just in case.

People would have questions, and there was bound to be ridicule and judgment against me, but they wouldn't get their answers. It wasn't any of their business. I had no desire to share any information about my time with Edward, and even if I did, it wasn't like I could tell them the truth anyways.

A man walked into the kitchen holding our cordless phone to his ear. He was huge, at least six and a half feet tall, dark skinned with muscle everywhere. His hair was nearly black and cut short, he was wearing a pair of cut off sweat pants, a t-shirt, and no shoes. His face was familiar. He completely froze when he saw me. The phone slipped out of his hand, landing with a sharp thud on the floor, the back and battery falling out.

"Bella?"

"Jacob?" I asked. I was certain it was him from his voice but his appearance was so different, I didn't see how it was possible. He was staring at me like he was looking at a ghost, which I found rather amusing. Seriously, how long was I out for?

"Holy shit, Bella!" Then his arms were around me, effectively cutting off my air supply.

"Can't breathe," I choked out.

"Shit, sorry." Jacob released me. He stared at me, grinning like a child at Christmas. "What are you doing here?"

"Last I checked, I lived here, but granted it has been a month or two since I checked." I gave a false smile at my humor. I was sure he would know what I was talking about though, judging from the weather alone, I knew it had to be at least two months.

"Bella," he spoke carefully, like he was afraid, "It's March 2nd. It's been six months."

Oh. Wow.

"Oh. I didn't realize." I quickly contemplated this information, but it turns out I didn't have a lot to contemplate. Sure I didn't realize it had been that long, but I also didn't really care; two months or six months, all the same. The only thing I could really think about was how sore my throat was from speaking, and how odd my voice sounded. It was still my voice, but kind of raspy.

"Yeah, it's been tough," he shook his head, dispelling his thoughts, "That's not important now. How do you feel? Are you thirsty, hungry maybe? I can get you whatever you want. You should sit down -

"Jake, I'm okay, really. I can get myself something in a minute. Why are you here?" It made no sense to me that Jacob had just walked into my house without a knock, much less an answer. Especially considering nobody was home except me and I don't really count.

"I'm your sitter until Renee gets back…..." He trailed off, seeing the look on my face presumably.

"I'm sorry, but you said you're my _what? _Why in the hell do I need a sitter?"

"We don't leave you alone here. It's just our rule," he shrugged, like this was obvious, "I was outside this whole time speaking to a friend of mine about…… well, stuff. We have a baby monitor, I had it with me. I assumed when the humming stopped you had just drifted off to sleep."

I had so many questions from his one statement it was astounding. I noticed when he talked about speaking with his friend about 'stuff' anger and annoyance flashed across his face, so I was curious about that as well. "Ok, let's try it this way. Who, exactly is 'we'? Who were you talking to and what about? Why do you carry a baby monitor? Where are my parents? And what is that about humming?"

Jake's eyebrows furrowed with thought. Before he had a chance to answer my questions, I heard the sound of tires pulling onto the gravel of our driveway. I looked up at Jake, eyebrows raised. "Look Bella, it's been hell on everyone around here. I promise you will get your answers. But try to take it easy on them," he jerked his head towards the front of the house, "The last thing they expect to come home to is this. Okay?"

I nodded my head at him. I felt the guilt at the thought of my parent's pain. It was an unfortunate consequence of my actions, but one that I couldn't seem to help at the time. I knew their pain derived from my pain and from worry over my health, so I can only hope things would get better for them now that I have decided mask it. They never need to know the dead feeling that resides in me.

"Jake?" Charlie's familiar voice rang through the house.

Jake turned and walked back through the kitchen doorway. From my position I could see some of Jacob but nothing of Charlie.

"Hey Charlie," I could hear the underlying tension in his tone as he greeted my dad, "Renee."

Renee? Oh, well then.

"Hi Jake, how was everything here? No problems I'm sure." It was the first time I had ever heard my mother's voice sound like a mother, she sounded so tired.

"No, no _problem, _but-"

"That's good, sweetie. Thanks again for helping out. You're young and I know you have better things to do, but Charlie and I both wanted to be at this meeting with the doctors. We really appreciate everything you have been doing for us, and for Bella."

If I hadn't known that it was Renee in the next room, I wouldn't have believed it. She sounded on the verge of tears, and I hated myself a little bit more for putting those tears there to begin with.

"I've told you, I don't mind, and I've got nothing else to do anyways. Bella is my friend; I will always be there for her. Something happened while you were gone though. I think you both should maybe go in the living room and sit down."

"Now really ain't a good time, Jake. Things didn't go well today. The doctor said we are out of options. They want to put Bella back into the hospital, permanently. As her parents, we have to decide what we think is best for Bella. Renee really wants to go lay down for a while, and I need to go check how things are at the station before we start figuring everything out." Charlie told Jake, dismissing Jake's idea of a talk.

'_back in to the hospital, permanently' _Charlie's words played over in my head.

If it weren't for the fact that I was already severely broken, the guilt I felt towards my parents would've bought me to my knees. If there had been any chance that I would return to my 'Edward reality', Charlie had just killed it. What had I done to them? What had they been forced to watch, helplessly, while I laid there, selfishly cutting myself off from everyone but Edward?

I had been disgusted with my show of weakness in my memories, but that was nothing in comparison to the loathing I felt for myself when I grasped how weak I had been when he left me.

"No, you don't understand! Bella's-

"It's okay Jake, I've got it," I cut Jacob off as I walked in. If Jake looked like he had seen a ghost, they looked like they were seeing God himself. Renee had her hand over her mouth, tears streaming down her face, and she was visibly shaking. Charlie's mouth hung open, his eyes were shining with tears that had yet to spill over. He didn't even look like he was breathing. "Hi Mom, Dad. I think maybe we should have that sit down now." I gave them the best smile I could summon. I could see so much pain on them both; Blood shot and puffy eyes, Charlie had lost weight while Renee had gained some. They both looked so exhausted, they both looked so old.

"Bella!" Renee screamed and jumped at me, wrapping her arms around my waist. My reflexes were already slow, and with Renee's sudden added weight, I stumbled backwards. Jake grabbed the back of my shoulders, steadying me.

"Renee, give her some breathing room. Don't overdo it," Jake chastised Renee, but before he could get his sentence out she was backing off, wiping her eyes. "I think we should all sit down." Jake nodded toward living room. Renee grabbed Charlie's frozen form and tugged him to the couch. I knew there would be so many questions, a lot of them I knew I wouldn't answer, but I would give them as much of me as I could. At this point all I wanted to do was get past the awkwardness and move on with whatever life I was going to have. I didn't want to deal with my pain.

I stood in the door way of the room, but I couldn't make myself walk in, I couldn't make myself own up to what I had done to them. We stood frozen just looking at each other, it could've been one minute or one hour, and then finally I felt someone nudging me from behind.

"Go on, Bells. They won't bite you," Jake spoke in a whisper, so that my parents wouldn't hear him, so they wouldn't think that I was afraid of them. I wasn't afraid of them, I knew they loved me, and above all else were happy that I was standing here, but I was a little apprehensive of what would happen now. I nodded and walked into the room. I took the chair across from the couch and then looked up at Jake. I know we weren't super close before, but I felt comfortable with him. I didn't feel like walking on eggshells, and I didn't worry about what he may ask me, it just felt nice.

"I think I should go on home. I'll call Sam and get him to come pick me up," Jake said as he turned, picking up a light jacket. I wondered how the thin material could be of any use, but let that thought go when I realized he intended to leave me alone with my parents.

"Please stay," I glanced between him and my parents, making sure they weren't too upset with my request, "It's just that…., hell I don't know, but I'd rather you stay."

Charlie and Renee just nodded at him, letting him know it was okay. He laid his jacket back down, shrugged, and then sat on the floor to my left.

"So," I didn't draw the word out, but rather clipped it, trying to tell them they need to get on with it. Apparently they got the point.

"How do you feel?" Renee asked first. Concern was written in every detail of hers and Charlie's face.

"Kind of tired and pretty weak. It's almost like how you feel if you've been sick for a week; once you're better your body is just drained. That's how I feel, drained. Oh, and nervous. I feel _really _nervous." I ended my small rant with a fake half laugh. It was my meager attempt to lighten the mood.

They obviously weren't expecting my speech. I assume they were expecting short one word answers, I can't really blame them. But I was resolved to be as honest as possible on the questions I could answer to make up for the questions I would plead the fifth on.

"Well, that's not really surprising, Bella. You _have_ been sick, and for far longer than a week. It's going to take time for your body to replenish itself." Charlie nodded his silent agreement to my mother's words.

I didn't think that I had been sick, at least not in the way they think I was, but I wasn't going to argue it. I wouldn't tell them what the last six months in my head had been like, so I would just let them believe whatever they chose.

"How are you here? What I mean is, you're awake! Well of course you've been awake before, but you weren't really here. UUGGGHH! God, what I'm asking is how did you wake – no, just what do you remember? Or do you know how you came back to us?" Renee stuttered out. This was something I expected. Everyone would be scared of offending me, thinking one wrong word would send me back. They didn't know they didn't hold that kind of power over me. There was only one person on this earth that could send me running back into my Edward dreams, and God only knew where he was. But this was the question, or questions I couldn't answer, I would have to lie.

"I don't know. I don't remember anything really. There are bits and pieces of an almost dream like memory. Like hearing you or Dad talking, or knowing I had to take a bite of this food. But it's all pretty vague."

At least it wasn't a whole lie; the parts of reality I remember were vague. "Then I remember thinking about how there were people around that loved me, and that I was hurting them, that I needed to get up. I was pretty harsh on myself actually," this was also partially true, "and then I just woke up. I sat up on the bed, and looked around for a bit. I came down stairs, and found Jake cleaning the kitchen."

I didn't want to get Jake in trouble for being outside for over an hour while I cleaned the kitchen, but I still needed to explain the clean kitchen, so I tweaked the truth a little more.

Jake looked up at me then, I met his eyes, hoping he could see what I was doing with my story. He gave me a small nod of understanding that an outside observer would take as a nod of agreement.

"Oh, that makes sense I guess," Renee sounded pretty disappointed with my answer, "You shouldn't have been hard on yourself though, it's not good for you. You can't blame yourself for what happened."

_Fuck THAT! _Her words infuriated me. I don't know why, or if it was irrational or not, but it infuriated me that she would refuse me of the blame I deserved. No one made me stay the way I was but me, because I was too scared to face reality. I was weak and selfish, and I was not about to hear excuses for my actions.

"Then who the hell am I suppose to blame Mom? Whose fault is it? It is _my fault_; no one did that to me but me. It was selfish of me, I was hurting you, ALL of you, and I was too wrapped up in me to give a damn! I'm so unbelievably sorry for what I have put you all through. All I can honestly say is that at the time I truly didn't realize I was hurting you, I didn't realize six months had passed, and I am disgusted with myself for causing any of you an ounce of pain. But that doesn't make it any less of my fault. Don't pass this as anything else, and just know that I won't let it happen again. I _won't_ be weak again; I will not put you through any more pain. Please just know that I am so, so damn sorry."

Tears were streaming down my face, and dripping onto my sweat pants. I didn't take my eyes off of my parents. I just sat there, begging them with everything in me to forgive me, begging them not to hurt anymore. Jacob squeezed my knee, showing me he was on my side. I don't know if he felt the way my mother did, or if he truly believed me, but it didn't matter. He was telling me he was on my side, right or wrong.

"Oh no, no Bella" Renee started, but Charlie found his voice.

"I'll tell you whose fault it is. It's that Goddamn Cullen boy's fault! He-"

I couldn't allow this. As angry as I was at Edward, I would not have other people hate him. I have no idea what it was about the thought of someone hating Edward that bothered me, but I just couldn't accept it, even though at times I _wanted_ to hate him myself.

"No. What did he do Charlie? Why is it his fault? Because he moved away? He's 17, Dad, it's not like he had an option! How is the fact that I couldn't function without him _his fault?_"

"He hasn't called, he hasn't written, he truly just walked away. Maybe if he kept in contact it wouldn't have been as bad." Charlie argued back.

Pain shot through me, cutting me deeper than I had ever imagined. I had fought for six longs months to keep the thoughts of Edward walking away at bay, and here Charlie was, unknowingly throwing it all in my face like it was nothing. I pushed it all away. My pain was private, and was only for me. I would deal with this, and worry about me later.

"Charlie, don't please," Renee begged. I knew she was scared that bringing it all up would just end in me back in my bed. I knew it wouldn't, so I kept at it.

"That's bullshit, Dad! I don't know how I looked to all of you on the outside, but if I wasn't conscious of you talking to me IN PERSON, why in the hell do you think I would've been conscious of a damn phone call?" I knew if at any point in time someone would've told me Edward had written a letter or was on the phone I would've sprang back into reality with a vengeance, but Charlie didn't know it.

"Bella, he left you in the woods," Charlie tried again, but I could hear the defeat in his voice. He knew very little of mine and Edward's relationship, and he couldn't justifiably blame a teenager for moving away with his parents. I ignored the next round of pain, focusing instead on my anger.

"No he didn't. We talked in the clearing just inside the woods. When he had to go, I just sat there. He tried to get me to come into the house, but I wouldn't listen. He made me promise not to do anything stupid, but, well, I blew that. After he was gone I wandered into the woods. I was so lost; I just couldn't remember where I was supposed to be going. I laid down eventually, thinking I didn't even care anymore. I don't remember anything else clearly until a couple of hours ago." My voice was void of all emotion as I relayed what facts and half truths I could to my father. I still don't know why I had to defend Edward from their judgment; I assume it was like the sibling complex. You could be mean to your siblings but no one else could. I could be mad at him, but I wouldn't allow anyone else to insult or hate him.

I noticed Jacob had visibly tensed at my defense of Edward, but he never removed his hand from my knee.

"Of course he's not to blame," Renee interrupted, sensing the end of the argument, while Charlie just sat there watching me, his tears finally falling, "It's just been so hard, Bella. Your father just needed an outlet, and Edward is the easiest one. I know you think you are to blame, and although I disagree with you, I won't fight you on it. I know you are sorry, we all are. The important thing is that things can get better now. We have a lot to talk about, we need to figure out what you want to do about school, or at least what your options are, and of course we have to get you to the doctor as soon as possible. I'll call him and see if we can get an appointment for tomorrow."

"What doctor? Why do I need to go see a doctor?" I looked back and forth between both my parents.

"Bells, you've been sick, sweetie. You've lost a lot of weight, your muscles are weak, not to mention your eyes and throat have to be sore. You need to have a physical just to make sure everything is as well as can be expected, and see what type of diet and or exercise would be best to get your body well." I hated the way Renee was speaking to me like I was a small child, but I understood her position, and just let it go.

"Oh, well yeah I guess that makes sense. It's just that I saw all this medication earlier and I thought you meant a therapist or something. What was with all of that anyways? I remember taking a few pills at some point, but there are _a lot _of bottles in there."

"You will have to see the therapist, Bella. Now that you're awake we have to take the necessary steps to insure you stay on the right track. That's actually where your father and I were today. You have to understand, we have tried tons of different medications and techniques to try and get you to come back to us, but we were running out of options. Dr. Butler, your therapist, gave us one last medication to try. He told us he would let us try it for thirty days, and if we didn't see any type of improvement, we would have to discuss more permanent treatment options. That was almost seven weeks ago. He truly let it go as long as he was able, but he had to intervene. It was obvious you were not going to get any better here, and we had to try something. So we met today, to discuss having to admit you into a mental health facility. He gave us the options here in Washington, and then some options around Jacksonville. Charlie and I were going to decide tonight where we felt it would be best for you to go."

I sat there, letting my mother's words sink in. They were going to admit me into a _mental_ hospital? Charlie's words from earlier sank in deeper. A horrifying realization hit me.

_They think I'm unstable, they don't think I'm sane._

More disturbing than their beliefs, were my own. I couldn't say for certain that I _was_ sane.

They could never understand everything that had happened in my life over the last year. But did that really matter? I checked out for six months. I understood why I chose to stay in my 'Edward reality', but was that the _sane_ decision? I knew I was selfish, I was weak. Depressed certainly, but I didn't think I wasn't sane.

Obviously people who are insane don't _think_ they are insane.

I couldn't help but wonder if I were still in my land of Edward how I would've reacted to that change, but finally accepted that it was all a moot point and moved on.

I took a moment to consider the pros and cons of seeing this Dr. Butler she talked about. The pros being that it would shut them all up, because none of them could ever understand. By refusing to see him they would all nag at me, and assume I would never get better. The cons were that it would all lead to nowhere. Even if I did need help, the doctor couldn't help me, because I could never tell him the truth. It would be a waste of my time and energy and even if I could be honest, I would never get any better. I was resolved to live whatever life I could manage for my friends and family, so that I didn't cause them any more unnecessary pain. No doctor could fix the rest of me because I was not broken, my soul is simply gone, but I can never explain that.

"Fine, I'll see the doctor but I am _not _going to be admitted into any hospital, and I will no longer take any medication. Those are my conditions," I said, a tone of finality in my voice.

"Bella, you have to take the medication, at least for a while," Jake spoke up for the first time, "Those types of pills, you can't just stop taking. You have to wean yourself off of them slowly."

"Damn it. Fine, but I start weaning tomorrow. I will not live attached to that medication for the rest of my life." I huffed out.

"We will discuss it with Dr. Butler tomorrow." Renee told me, trying to calm me. I nodded my head at her then rolled my eyes where only Jake could see. He snickered at me. I just wanted to be treated normally. I knew that considering everything that had happened, it was going to take a long time for people to see me that way, but I knew it was going to be aggravating to be placated all the time. It was going to be a long and awkward few weeks until my parents were a little more comfortable being around me. I knew that we were going to argue about their behavior towards me, but with any luck it wouldn't take them long to see that I was here to stay. Time will prove that to them. At least Jake seemed to treat me like he always had.

That was comforting.


	3. Chapter 2 Mirrors

**A/N- I FORGOT THE DISCLAIMERS! FUCK! **

**I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT, ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY, OR ANYTHING ELSE FUN WORTH OWNING. **

**Please don't sue me or something crazy like that. I swear I won't forget again! **

**Ok. I'm posting this the same time I posted Preface and Chapter 1, so same goes. Read and Review. Hope you like it. **

_"Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life." - __**Angelina Jolie**_

**CHAPTER 2 – **

The following week passed by rather slowly. It was full of doctor's appointments and tests. I was given an exercise routine to strengthen my muscles; it wasn't so bad, just about an hour a day doing stretches, some light lifting and a one mile walk. I didn't mind the exercise, it gave me something to do and even after only a week I could feel improvement.

Jake almost always joined me and did the whole routine with me; sometimes he even brought some of his buddies from the reservation. I enjoyed time with Jake the most (with or without his friends), because they treated me completely normal, jokes and all.

I also had a suggested diet plan to help 'get some meat on my bones'. This was going to be harder than the exercise bit, mainly because I never really felt that hungry. Adding the exercise on top of my lack of eating, and well, weight _gain_ wasn't really the result. Thankfully no one was too hard on me about the eating, so it hadn't turned into an 'issue', at least not yet.

I was also being weaned off the medication. Dr. Butler wasn't thrilled with the idea, but said he would allow it if I agreed to see him weekly so he could monitor my progress. I was hesitant at first, but I figured I would do it long enough to get off the pills and then drop the appointments soon after that.

Most of the time, I hated being alone. If I didn't have something to occupy my time my thoughts would always shoot to Edward and the Cullens. I ached for them, to know where they were, how they were. I hated the fact that losing Edward also meant I had to lose my friends. I didn't like to linger on my thoughts of them, but there were times that I would sit down on the couch, get lost in my thoughts of them, and hours would pass. It wasn't the same as when I was in what I now referred to as 'Edwardville', this was just wondering what they were doing, if any of them missed me or even thought of me or what I would say to any of them if I even had the opportunity to talk to them again.

When these thoughts consumed me, so did the pain. There was literally something missing in me now. When the pain hit I felt as if I would just crumble, like there was nothing left to hold me together. It was paralyzing and all consuming, so I did the only thing I knew how to do to keep functioning.

I avoided it as much as possible.

I interacted with people; I talked with my parents about things I missed, Angela Weber came by and filled me in on some of the school gossip. Jake and I hung out daily, just talking and joking around. I participated in all of these conversations, saying funny things if they came to mind, laughing at something funny someone else said. I was sarcastic or I would roll my eyes at something I thought was lame or stupid, but there was something gone from all of my actions. I don't know if other people noticed it or not, but I knew it was there.

It wasn't that my actions weren't genuine, because they were, but in all of my actions there was something missing and that piece of me that was gone impacted everything I did, even when I wasn't consciously thinking about them.

**********

Renee approached me eight days after I 'woke up'. I was washing the dishes from dinner, Charlie had insisted on giving Jake a ride home, so it was just the two of us.

"Bella, can you come and sit down a minute?" Her tone was hesitant, and I was immediately on the defensive.

"Um, yeah, I guess," I dried my hands on a dish cloth beside the sink, and joined her at the kitchen table, "What's up, Mom?"

"Well, we need to discuss what you want to do about school. I have gathered all of your options, so we know every available choice we have. Now it's too late to re-enroll into public high school, so you can wait, enroll next year and just graduate a year late. We can home school you, you still wouldn't finish before graduation, but with hard work you be finished by your birthday. You wouldn't be able to attend a graduation ceremony until next year in this case either. In Jacksonville they have night classes although they are primarily for pregnant teens, but are used by all types of special needs cases. If you are approved, you take a recommended amount of hours per week, and if you are really determined you may be able to graduate this year. Then of course there is the option of getting your GED, but I think it's best for you to get your diploma if at all possible."

I relaxed when I knew she just wanted to discuss school options. I had thought about it as well, but knew there was no way in hell I was setting foot back on Forks High campus. There were far too many memories there that would haunt me. I wasn't really particular on whether I got my diploma or GED. I figured I would attend a community college, find a job and mosey through life. My goal was to stay busy, but I really didn't have any aspirations to achieve anything more. I knew friends and family would eventually move on with their lives and wouldn't be able to occupy my time forever, so I would need school and a career to fill my time. I didn't really care what school or what job, just as long as it kept me busy.

"Does anywhere around here have those night classes?"

"I don't know Bella, but it's not important. I've already spoken to Dr. Butler and I have recommendations for new doctors in Jacksonville. Phil's is there and he's really excited to see you. We can be back there in a week. We would have to leave your truck at least for a while, but…"

"- Mom, I'm not going back to Jacksonville. Forks is home to me, I have friends here. I'm not leaving them, or Dad. I know you need to get back to Phil and that's fine, but I'm not going with you."

"What do you mean you won't come back with me? Bella, coming to Jacksonville will be a fresh start for you, it's what best."

"Have you talked to Dad about this?"

"Well, no, not yet. I thought we would figure out our plan and then let him know what we are going to do. He expects you to come to Jacksonville with me though, I'm sure," Renee tried to console me. I wasn't mad at her for this, it was like her to assume things and run with it.

"Mom, I don't know how you know what Dad expects if you haven't talked with him about it, but I know that I don't want a fresh start. This is where I want to be, and this is where I'm going to stay. I know you are worried about me, but eventually we are all going to have to get on with our lives. It's okay Mom, I'm okay. I'll call you all the time and you can call me, we will email and chat online. You are not a bad mother because you need to go back home. You've done so much for me already, I just want you to go and be happy."

"I guess your mind is made up then." She nodded, looking at anything other than me. "Well I don't have to rush back to Jacksonville tomorrow so give it some thought, and be sure this is what you want. I did look into options around here. They don't have the night classes, so your options would either be home schooling or re – taking the year. Either way, you would still need to take your graduation exams at Forks High and I'm not sure they will be testing again this school year. Just let us know what you want to do and your father and I will arrange it."

Fuck. Both of those options took me to that campus. Every memory I have of that place relates back to Edward. I don't want to go there, hell I don't even want to see it.

"Thanks Mom. It means a lot to me that you are letting me make these choices. I can't imagine how hard the past six months has been on you, but I love that you are letting me be me again instead of babying me." I gave her a smile to try and show her how happy I was that she could be strong enough to let me make my own choices, whether they are mistakes or not. She was trying to trust me.

"I love you, baby. Your happiness is all that matters to me." She held her arms out to me, and I ran into them.

"I love you too Mom and I want you happy, too." I felt her tears staining my shirt, but I held on. She needed this, and I would let her hold me however long she needed to.

"Damn it, Embry! Wait til it's done."

I was at Jake's house in La Push. Jake's friends Quil and Embry had been hanging out with us in Jake's garage when they started subtly complaining of being hungry. Being the good person I am I had volunteered to rummage through Jacob's kitchen for food.

I was in the middle of frying the last batch of chicken wings which I planned on tossing into some sauce I had made, but at the rate Embry was picking at them, there wouldn't be any left by the time I was finished with the final batch.

"Sorry, Bella," Embry pouted, and then stole a wing off the drip pan while kissing my cheek simultaneously. I guess he thought his kiss would distract me from his thievery.

"I saw that!" I yelled at him on his way out the door. I heard Quil asking Embry where his wings were moments before he entered the kitchen. I held my tongs out over the cooked wings, silently threatening to hit anything that tried to touch them, so Quil took a different tactic.

"Please, Bella. Just one and we will leave you alone." He smiled. I immediately saw a five year old hidden underneath Quil's huge build. I wondered how their mothers faired against their puppy dog eyes and pouting faces. If they could refuse them, they were stronger than me.

Shaking my head in defeat I removed the threatening tongs, "Fine, get _one_ for you and another for Jake, but that's it. I'm nearly done with them anyways, so I'll clean up in here and bring the rest to the garage."

"Yes! You fucking rock, Bells. Really!" he said while sticking one wing in his mouth, one in his left hand and three sodas tucked under his left arm, before walking back out of the door.

I left the wings to cool while I cleaned up my mess. I couldn't help the small smile on my face at the thought of how ridiculous the guys were. We had all become fast friends, and I was as happy as I could be when we were together.

We spent a lot of time together, and as much as I loved being with them, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. I didn't know what it was, but there were a lot of small things that just didn't seem normal.

They never seemed to get cold at all, and they wore shorts and t-shirts a good bit of the time. Anytime I would say anything they would shrug it off and tell me something like I had thin blood, or they were used to the weather, or it wasn't that cold.

Then there was Jake. He would show up at my house out of the blue. I would never hear a car, but he would waltz through the door like he lived there. This was fine, but when I asked him about it he would always say something about someone from the reservation giving him a ride. Then when he was ready to leave he would say he would call someone, and then would walk out the door to wait outside.

One night I noticed his light jacket lying on the table right after he walked out the door. I was only seconds behind him, but when I stepped outside he was gone. I looked everywhere for him, but he was nowhere to be found. There hadn't been enough time for him to call anyone and them pick him up, and even if they had, I had not seen or heard a car. He never used our home phone to call for a ride, and I knew from asking Charlie that he didn't have a cell phone.

Of course I asked him about it, but he always blew off the questions, or would change the subject. He even went as far as using our phone to call for a ride after my questions. I heard him apparently speak to Sam, a guy on the reservation that I had only seen once, who he asked to pick him up at 'the usual spot at the end of the street' before he told me bye and left. A few moments after he left I picked up the phone to scan the recently dialed numbers. Jake had dialed 123-4567, which I REALLY doubted was Sam's number. When I asked him about this he snapped at me, telling me to just drop it or we wouldn't be able to hang out.

I kept telling myself I was looking for weird behavior, and that I needed to let it go. These guys weren't the Cullens and I need to stop looking for the supernatural, but I couldn't shake my gut feelings that I was missing _something_.

Shaking off my train of thought, I gathered the wings and some more sodas and headed out the door, resolved to stop nit-picking their actions.

I laid the plate of wings and sodas on the hood of an old car. "Enjoy!" I said, quickly side stepping so they didn't railroad me on their quest for food.

I moseyed around the old barn Jake used as his garage while the boys ate. I couldn't remember ever being in there before, and I was surprised at the amount of pretty awesome stuff there was just lying around. An old tin Pepsi sign, crates of old mason jars and drink bottles, an old wood burning stove which was stuffed into the corner. There was an old Jon boat hanging from the ceiling, and then and anvil just sitting amongst the random tools and junk. I shook my head and grinned at the thought of Jacob having an anvil just lying here, as if it was used in everyday life.

"What's so funny, Bells?" Jake asked, noticing my smile.

"Huh? Oh, nothing really, just all of this stuff. It's neat." I gestured towards the pile of randomness in the corner.

"Yeah, a lot of it was my grandfathers; some of it was my dad's. It's cool to see things from their generation, I guess."

I nodded and walked back over to our little group. They boys kept talking about cars, and sports, and any other interests. I followed along but mostly was lost in my thoughts.

I ended up thinking about what I wanted to do in regards to school. I knew it would be best to get my diploma, but I could get my GED easier, attend community college for a couple of years and still transfer to a university if I wanted to. It really did seem like the best option for me, so I sat and debated all of the pros and cons of this decision.

Sometime later I was pulled out of my thoughts when Quil and Embry announced they needed to get home. I hadn't realized it had gotten so late, but the sun was nearly setting, and it was pouring; big surprise there.

"Do you need a ride? It's coming down pretty hard," I asked them. It was cold enough without getting soaked.

They looked from Jacob to me and back again, like they were trying to figure out the best answer. How difficult is it to decide if you want a ride or not?

"Will we fit? Your truck doesn't really have a lot of seating room," Embry asked. He had a point, but it was only a mile down the road, so it couldn't be that bad.

"Well Jake could drive, and you two sit beside him, and I can sit across your laps. It's just down the road." I didn't know how uncomfortable I would be sitting on someone's lap, but I'd survive.

"If you're okay with that, then it should work. Then after we drop those idiots off we can head to your house, my dad and Charlie should be back from fishing in an hour or two," Jake suggested.

"Sounds like a plan," I said, and then we were off.

I'd parked by the road on the other side of Jacob's house. The barn was a good hundred and fifty feet behind the house. Considering the distance, we were all going to get drenched either way.

The guys were running and were quickly leaving me behind. I didn't think running in the mud would be that brilliant for me, so I kept my pace steady.

The next thing I know Jake had doubled back, wrapped his arms around my waist, threw me over his shoulder and hauled ass to the safety of the truck. Quil and Embry were already seated and were fighting about why Quil got stuck in the middle. Jake tossed me to them, climbed in, and started the truck.

I was momentarily shocked by Jake's performance. The sensation of being snatched up and running was painfully familiar, even if we didn't run as fast as Edward did.

I'd never looked forward to the speed when he ran, but I'd love being able to wrap myself around him. It was the one part of his world he'd welcomed me, literally, with open arms. A shiver ran down my spine at the memory of him slinging me onto him as if I were no heavier than a feather. I ached, knowing I would never get to fly through the forest, my hair whipping all around my face, the wind stinging my eyes. I'd taken the whole experience for granted, and now I would never have the chance again.

It wasn't as bad as it could've been sitting in Embry's lap. I was quickly starting to view him as a brother figure. We joked easily, but he had a knack at pushing my buttons as well as making me laugh. He rested his left arm across the back of my seat, and sat there like it was completely normal for me to sit in his lap. It was actually kind of comforting.

In true Washington form, by the time we were letting Quil and Embry out of the truck, the pouring rain had turned to barely a drizzle. I waved as Jake pulled away from Quil's home, and then turned back to Jacob.

"So, what the hell was that?"

"What was what? I didn't see anything." He looked all around as if we must have passed something abnormal along the road, acting oblivious.

"You _know_ what, Jake! Cut the bullshit. How the hell did you pick me up and sling me over your shoulder like that _and_ _then_ run at least half the length of a football field?"

"You're not heavy, Bella. It wasn't that difficult, and you were walking along like you had all the time in the world, and drenched in the process."

I rolled my eyes at him. "I was walking so I didn't trip, dumbass. But still, you weren't even out of breath!"

"What do you want me to tell you? I'm used to heavy lifting, and I have to push my dad around all the time, so it builds arm strength." I sensed his defensive tone and I didn't want to fight with Jake, so I sighed, defeated.

"I'm sorry, I just want you to tell me the truth. I can't help but think that I'm missing something." I was looking at my hands, my voice sounding sad. It was the closest thing to a pout I had.

"I can't tell you the truth, Bella." His voice mirrored the sadness in mine, like he genuinely wanted to tell me, but couldn't. My head shot up and I looked at him, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"But there IS a truth to be told then?" I asked. This was the first time he didn't just change the subject or quit talking all together. He nodded but stayed quiet.

"Then why in the hell can't you tell me? I swear I won't tell anyone, I can keep a secret better than you would believe!" I was half begging and half snapping at him.

"I can't! I know it don't make any sense, but I physically can't tell you! And I think I'm pretty aware of how well you can keep a secret."

"You're right, it makes no sense, and how would you know how well I can keep a secret?"

"I don't _know_ how well you can keep one, but I have my suspicions."

"What is THAT suppose to mean?" I asked. I suppose it could've been a compliment to my character, that he felt like I was trustworthy, but something in his voice told me differently.

"Nothing, just forget I said anything." He turned on my radio, effectively ending the conversation.

"_Your radio has horrible reception"_ I watched in my mind as Edward reached over and started playing with the old radio. Closing my eyes, I let the memories and the pain they brought with them consume me.

My birthday party. Carlisle's teasing welcome, Esme's happiness, Rosalie's unusual tolerance, Emmett's humor, Jasper's attempt to be closer to me, Alice's overboard decorations and radiance, and Edward. It was the last time I saw him truly smile at me, the last night he had kissed me. It was the last day I was or would ever be truly happy.

My radio would always be a bitter sweet reminder of that day.

There were some reminders of Edward I ran from. I wouldn't watch movies, or television at all, because I didn't want to see people all happy and in love. I wanted to burn down Forks High School, and I had an almost instinctual reaction to key any silver car I see, Volvo or not.

Then there were other reminders that I'd embrace; I'd been listening to a lot of piano, especially Clair De Lune. I also listened to any music I can relate back to us, sad songs, angry songs, songs of how things use to be or could have been. I left my bedroom window cracked open, out of habit or out of hope I'm not certain. Edward took every proof of his existence with him besides my truck's radio, so I think the things I chose to hold onto were the things I missed the most.

"Bella, Bella, HEY BELLA!" I jerked my thoughts out of my memories and back to the present with Jake.

"Where'd you go?" he asked.

"Nowhere, just thinking." Even I could hear the emptiness in my voice.

Understanding filled Jake's face, I worried he was going to ask me about Edward, but he didn't. In true Jacob fashion, he diverted the conversation and let me forget.

"Have you thought about what you want to do with school? Are you going to go back?"

"Nah." I shook my head. It was an easy conversation knowing Jacob wouldn't judge me, so it made for good practice. "I would have to wait and take next year all over, or I can get my GED and start community college. If I want I can use the technical college credits and try to apply to a university, but I don't know if I will go that far or not. I'll cross that bridge when it gets here." I shrugged like it didn't really matter; to me it didn't.

"Well that's good, that you have it figured out, I mean. I didn't know if you and your parents had even started discussing it." He sounded worried or sad, I couldn't figure out why it bothered him so much. He hardly ever attended classes nowadays. Something about since the school was on the reservation, as long as he kept up on his studies at home and came to pass the tests he didn't actually have to attend. It made no sense to me, but what did I know about living on a reservation.

"Renee cornered me a couple days ago and wanted to talk about it. She'd done all this research about different classes and programs in Jacksonville. Apparently she thought I would go back with her, but when I told her I wasn't going to leave Forks she eased up a bit. I haven't told either of them what I want to do yet, and I really don't think it's going to go over really well, but I think I will make a pretty convincing argument."

"So, you're staying?"

I nodded my head to him, understanding setting in. He thought I would go to Jacksonville, too.

"Cool." He tried to sound like it didn't really matter, but he wasn't able to keep the smile off his face, and I felt myself smiling at him too.

We were pulling onto my street when Jake visibly tensed. I watched as his shoulders pulled closer together, and his knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. I noticed his entire body started shaking.

"What's wrong, Jake?" I asked as we pulled into my drive way.

"Stay in the truck, don't get out unless I tell you to." Jake demanded.

"What? Why-"

"JUST STAY IN THE DAMN TRUCK, BELLA!" I had never heard his voice so harsh, I wanted to cringe away from it, but I wouldn't let myself.

Jake was out of the truck and pacing the yard. He walked to the road, then back to the yard to walk the perimeter of our property. I sat there stunned. He was completely in his zone; every now and then he would shift his head minutely, or lower it just a little. I would have thought he was looking for something he dropped if I didn't know for a fact there was nothing of the sort for him to find. His actions were very similar to the way a dog acts when it's looking for a place to pee. At least I wasn't the only mental case around here.

I looked all around the yard, back towards the road, and towards the forest. I couldn't figure out what had set him off, or what he was doing.

_Fuck this. _

I hopped out of my truck and walked toward the door, I assumed Jacob would just come inside when he had finished losing his mind.

"BELLA!" Jacob yelled at me while jogging the short distance between us. He grabbed my shoulders shaking and yelling at me, "Did you not understand me when I told you to stay in the damn truck?!"

"Oh I understood you just fine," I snapped back at the same time I jerked my arms from his hands, "I just didn't obey you!"

He grabbed the top of my left arm and started pulling me towards the house.

Old Bella might have gone along with it until I understood the situation better, but new Bella expected an explanation before I allowed myself to be man handled.

"Jacob Black! You better have a good Goddamn reason for this shit! LET ME GO, DAMN IT, you're hurting my arm!" I was yelling and pushing at him, but it didn't help. I might as well have been pushing a tree trunk for all the progress I was making.

"Stay, just a minute!" Jacob said while releasing my arm and walking into the house. I lost my balance and fell on my ass. I sat there for a moment fuming, when I noticed a rectangle box to the right of the door, like a box you would receive flowers in. It was white with a thick red ribbon wrapped around it and tied into a bow in the center.

I smiled at the thought of Phil sending Renee flowers. It wasn't a gesture I ever remembering him doing before, but it was comforting to know he could be extra thoughtful and caring when Renee was having a difficult time.

I stood up and dusted myself off before grabbing the box and walking into the house.

"I was just coming to get you," Jake said, he didn't seem nearly as tense as he had been.

I fleetingly thought that I shouldn't have been so hard on Edward about his mood swings because apparently it was the entire male species.

"Where did you get that?" Jacob nodded towards the box, scowling at it as if the cardboard had done something to offend him.

"It was by the door, Phil sent Renee flowers," I hoped my eyes relayed the anger I felt. I laid the box down on the table before shrugging out of my coat. "You owe me and explanation Jake, and I don't want to hear any bullshit about how you can't tell me why you just went mental in my front yard!"

"Are you sure?"

"Sure about what, Jake? You've got me confused as hell, I'm not sure of anything at the moment!" I wanted to throw something at him. He was just staring at the box, lost in his own thoughts and wouldn't explain anything.

"Are you sure Phil sent the flowers?" He clarified.

"No, Now that I think about it they are probably from Charlie's secret admirer. God Jake, who the hell else would be getting flowers?" But Jake was already opening the card, clearly he wasn't satisfied with my logic.

He looked at me for a moment before speaking. "The card says they're for you, B."

_What? _

"What?" I asked, snatching the card from him. The stationary was white, heavy textured paper with jagged edges about the size of an index card folded in half. The outside of the card was completely blank. I flipped open the card, and there in the center bottom half in blood red ink it simply said:

Bella


	4. Chapter 3 Werewolves

**AN: I don't own twilight or any twilight related characters. This troubles me deeply, but I think I'll survive! **

**BIG HUGE Thank You to Melissa and Sarah! I would've never went thru with this without their help and support. LOVE YA'LL! **

**ENJOY!**

_Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. -__**Anaïs Nin**_

**CHAPTER 3 – Werewolves**

No.

I stared at the card dumbfounded.

I had no way of knowing what was in the box, or who it was from, but I knew I didn't want it.

I felt half a dozen different emotions all at once, confusion and suspicion being at the forefront. There was very little fear, but honestly, I didn't think I was capable of feeling that true 'feel it in your bones' fear anymore. I was apprehensive and a little nervous but I wasn't scared.

My first instinct was to throw the damn box away and pretend I had never laid eyes on it. If there wasn't a witness, I probably would have done just that.

"You gonna open it or should I?" Jake asked. I looked up at him. He kept glancing from me to the box, still scowling at the cardboard.

I can't explain how I knew nothing good would come from the box. I suspect that where my self-preservation instinct _should_ kick in, instead I get a tingle of suspicion from my gut telling me something is off. Or perhaps that was my self-preservation instinct going off, but because I really didn't give a shit whether I lived or died. My brain just interpreted the signal differently.

No matter what it was, I knew that once I opened the box things were going to change for the worse. And even though I didn't care about my well being, I did care about the people around me. They were the whole reason I could find the will to function. I would not knowingly put them in any type of danger.

"I'll open it later. It's probably just some get well flowers from someone who heard I am up and about." I shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Jacob had different plans however.

"Well I can pretend I didn't see the look on your face when you stared at that card, for now, but if you are right and there is nothing but harmless flowers in that box, you should get them into some water." He raised his eyebrows and nodded towards the kitchen, driving in his point.

"Fuck 'um, they'll just die either way." I was determined to play it off, so I turned to walk as casually as I could into the living room.

I didn't want Jake or anyone else to be around to see what was in the box, at least not until I knew what was in it.

I only made it a few steps when Jake spoke.

"Well if you're not gonna open it, I will." He started pulling at the ribbon.

I stomped to the small table and snatched the box. I heard something shake around, and noticed that it was way too heavy for flowers. That didn't really surprise me, I wasn't expecting flowers.

"Damn it! It's not for you. Just leave it the hell alone," I snapped at him before storming into the kitchen.

"Why? What are you so afraid of, B?" I was taken aback by the look on his face. What should've been curiosity was instead a smug knowing look, as if he knew what my answer would be, and just wanted me to admit it.

An almost evil smirk bloomed on my face. "I'm not afraid of a damn thing, Jacob. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I just didn't want you to see what's in my box?"

I couldn't help the frustration I was feeling, he thought he knew so damn much, when he didn't know shit. He thought I was afraid, but all I wanted is for him to butt out for his own damn good, and he wouldn't let it go!

"The card said 'Bella'. Not 'Bella and Jacob', not 'Jake', just_ 'Bella'_. So maybe Bella would like to open it with just Bella!" I snapped.

"Bella," His voice softened, and suddenly he looked so sad, "If you're thinking that Edward sent you this package, I can promise you he didn't."

I SAW RED.

_How dare he. _

"Don't you speak of him! Don't you _ever_ say his name you pig headed son of a bitch," I seethed at him, "You do not know _him_, and you do not know _anything_ that happened between us! Even though _I_ know he would never do this…," I gestured to the kitchen table where I had laid down the box, "you really wouldn't have the first fucking clue if he would or not.

I am not delusional, Jake, I am fully fucking aware of who it is NOT from, so do not even bring him into this!"

All the sadness had left Jacob's face replaced with aggravation. His voice mirrored his expression.

"I don't need to know him to know he didn't send that box. And I'm sorry, I just didn't want you to get your hopes up thinking the wrong thing! Excuse the fuck out of me!"

I knew I was wrong for snapping at Jake and that he meant no insult to Edward by implying that I thought the package was from him, but I wasn't going to apologize. As far as I was concerned, it was best if everyone knew I wouldn't tolerate anyone speaking about Edward, good or bad.

"Just go home Jake." I was tired and I didn't want to argue with Jake all night.

"I can't Bella. Please just open the damn box." He was tired too. He wasn't yelling, or demanding, but almost pleading with me. I didn't understand why the hell it mattered so damn much. Surely he wasn't that damn nosey.

"Why, what the fuck do you care?" I whined.

"It could be helpful to know what's in it. I'm sorry, I can't say much else but-"

"OH OF COURSE!" I threw my hands into the air. "More fucking secrets!" I shook my head in disbelief.

I reached for the box. I was tired, I was mad, and I didn't give a damn anymore. I yelled at him while I tore the box open.

"Fine! Here, let's see what's in this goddamned box so you can-"

_Oh, God._

I stared into the package and there nestled on top of red tissue paper were shards of broken mirror. Dozens upon dozens of jagged pieces scattered along the bottom, ranging from the size of my finger nail to the size of my palm. Lying on top of the mirrors was a pair of little girl ballet shoes, with the laces tied together. Through the laces was the stem of a single blood red rose.

I knew immediately what the contents of the package implied. What I couldn't figure out was where the hell they could've come from. James was dead and none of the Cullen's would pull this type of prank.

No one else knew.

I noticed another card lying with the shards of glass at the same time Jake's hand reached into the box for it. This card wasn't folded but was just a thick sheet of paper, the size of a 4x6 index card, with the same red writing.

Bella,

I do hope my present finds you well, or at the very least,  
better than you have been the last few months.  
You had me worried for a while that you would sleep through  
the anniversary, but you didn't disappoint.  
You are going to need all of the strength you can conjure  
for what I have planned for you, so do prepare.  
It's almost time now, only four more days.  
You're a bright girl, I'm sure you can figure it out.

Best wishes, until we meet again.

I was in the middle of reading the note for the third time when Jake interrupted.

"What's it mean, B? What happens in four days?" I looked up at him. He sounded truly concerned; none of his usual cockiness could be found in his voice.

I knew he had no idea what any of this meant, and as far as I was concerned it needed to stay that way. Jacob needed to stay away from me.

"You need to go home Jake. I'll call you later," I lied, snatching the note and throwing it back in the box before shoving on the lid.

"I'm not going anywhere. Tell me what it means Bella." He was holding my arm, and pretty tightly I might add.

"I can't," I snapped, yanking my arm away.

"Why not?" He looked at me, eyebrows raised, as if he expected something. I had no clue what he was thinking but I wasn't about to tell him the truth. Only problem was, I couldn't think of a lie either.

"You've got your secrets, I've got mine." I looked straight into his eyes, daring him to argue my point. I thought he would get frustrated with my refusal, but instead he grinned. That cocky gleam in his eye returned full force.

"I thought so." He grabbed the box with one arm, and my elbow with the other before heading towards the door. "We've got to go back to the reservation; we need to talk to Sam." It was the only explanation he offered.

"Why?" The last thing I was going to do was be honest with these people. The less they knew the safer they were.

"Sam can explain when we get there," he stated, opening the door of the truck and shoving me into it.

I huffed, crossing my arms and leaning back into my seat.

Charlie and Billy pulled up just as we started to back out. Jake paused long enough to tell them we were going to watch a movie with Quil, and that he would bring me home when it was over. Charlie eyed my petulant demeanor with suspicion, raising a questioning eyebrow at me. When I didn't reply, Jake smiled wider and rolled his eyes at Charlie, motioning towards me with a nod of his head.

"She's pissed because we said no way to some crappy chick flick she wanted to watch."

Charlie seemed placated by this and turned to resume his conversation. There was apparently some game to watch, and the men were chatting about it enthusiastically while unload their fishing gear and heading into the house.

The ride was silent. Jake seemed to be lost in thought and I was just acting like a child for being dragged along like a damn rag doll.

I figured the best use of this time was to try and come up with some type of story, but I had nothing.

All I could think about was the package. It was clearly related to the ballet studio and what happened in Phoenix. I briefly considered the possibility that James had survived after all. I had never asked in detail what had happened that night, but I knew that there was no way any of the Cullen's would've walked out of there without knowing for certain that James was dead. Especially Emmett.

I was immediately bombarded with images of Emmett and I horse playing during the summer. Besides Alice, he was the sibling I was closest too. He had told me once that he could understand what it was like for me because he remembered seeing Rose before he was changed. He understood why I felt so inferior next to them and constantly tried to assure me that even though I thought of myself that way, it wasn't true.

I kept my head turned toward the window, away from Jake, as I let the tears escape. I silently cried for the brother I had loved so much, and had lost with everyone else.

God I missed Emmett.

I spent so much time think of Edward, crying over him, missing him that I hardly ever took the time to cry for everyone else I had loved and lost. So when moments like these occurred, the pain would blindside me.

Ironically enough, it was also a refreshing sort of pain. Missing Emmett or Alice wasn't nearly as difficult as missing Edward. So in a way, focusing on that pain could momentarily mask the never ending pit of pain that was with me almost constantly.

I shook my head, trying to dispel the thoughts and focus back on the problem at hand.

I had no way of knowing who was coming for me, and I really didn't care. The only thing I was certain of was that it would be a vampire. I knew that anyone around me would try to help me and only get themselves killed in the process. I hated the fact that someone else could get hurt in the place of me and I had to prevent that from happening to the best of my ability.

I needed to run.

I knew there was no way I could out run a vampire if they wanted me, but I hoped that if I ran it would keep them away from the people I loved. That was the best I could give them.

* * *

Jake parked my truck behind an older green compact car. I recognized the house from passing it a few times but I didn't know who's it belonged to. Since we were coming to talk to Sam, I assumed it was his.

"Come on," Jake said as he climbed out of my truck. I sighed. We really needed to have a talk. I was sick and damn tired of being told what to do by the men in my life. I had let it slide with Edward, always knowing he had my best intentions at heart and of course, being completely besotted with him. If I were being completely honest, it was also because I was slightly scared of making him mad. I always knew he could leave and there'd be nothing I could do to stop him, so I didn't want to risk upsetting him and him leaving. Not that it mattered now.

I didn't give a damn anymore, so people were gonna have to start listening.

As we walked up the few steps onto the porch, a young lady opened the screen door inviting us in.

"Hi Jake, who's your friend?" she asked him.

I couldn't help but stare at her for a moment. She should've been beautiful; her smile should've lit up her face. However, she had three long scars starting at her hair line, and the followed all the way down her face and neck before disappearing under her shirt.

"Emily, this is Bella. Bella, Emily," Jake introduced us then grabbed my arm and dragged me in behind him.

"Nice to meet you," I said over my shoulder as I was being whisked away. She laughed and returned my greeting.

We ended up in the kitchen. There was enough food for a small army, trays laid everywhere. Jake decided to help himself so I just sat in one of the empty chairs and waited. If Jake was eating this could take a while.

A moment later Sam walked in. He was built the same as Jake and his friends, only slightly larger. His dark hair was cut a little shorter than Jake's was. I looked up at him. He was looking at me with his brows furrowed, from his expression it didn't look as if he was too keen on my being there. Because I fully agreed with the notion, I gave him a quick grin.

"Jacob." Sam looked over at him. He didn't sound unpleasant, so maybe he wasn't really upset with me. Who cared if he was anyways?

"I've got news Sam, some of the guys might want to listen, but we can always fill them in later. We need to talk," Jacob told him.

"What does she know?" Sam questioned Jacob, as if I wasn't in the room. I didn't really like it.

"_She_ is sitting right here!" I said, agitated.

They both looked at me like I had grown a second head before turning to walk back towards the front of the house.

"I'll be right back Bella. I'm gonna fill Sam in on what has happened so far and then I will come get you," Jacob told me as he walked out.

I was going to reply but they disappeared out the front door before I had the chance. I fumed in my seat.

A musical laughter sounded from across the kitchen. I turned to see Emily looking at me, a small smile on her lips.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend you. They do that to me all the time too."

I smiled back at her. She was one of those people you couldn't help but like.

"I'll deal with Jake when he gets back. I'm just about fed up with his shit today," I told her.

"They really don't understand what they do, so don't be too hard on him." She was crazy if she thought she spoke the truth.

"Oh they know exactly what they're doing, they just act ignorant."

"Or that," she laughed. "Would you like something to eat? There's plenty." She nodded toward the counter where the small buffet was spread out.

"No, thank you. I might get something later, but I'm fine now," I replied.

I know it was terrible, but I couldn't help staring at her scars again. She was still very pretty, but you could see how breathtaking she was before them.

She laughed again. "Don't let Sam see you staring at them. He gets pretty mad about it."

I glowed crimson. It was the first time I blushed since I had 'woken up'. I hadn't even realized I was missing it until it happened.

"I'm so sorry, God, I'm awful," I apologized, completely humiliated.

"It's fine. It's completely natural to be curious, and I'd be lying if I'd say I wouldn't stare at someone with similar scars." She shrugged as if this happened to her all the time. Hell, maybe it did.

"What happened? If you don't mind my asking?"

"Bear attack. We'd been camping and Sam had fallen asleep and forgot to put the food away. Sam killed it and was able to get me help before I lost too much blood. He blames himself though, which I can see why, but I still hate that he unnecessarily carries around that guilt. He even left me for a few months, thinking that I was safer without him. But neither of us can really exist completely without the other, and he finally understood he was causing me more pain without him, so he came back to me. It was an unfortunate accident. I wish he could just see it that way."

Her words hit home in so many ways. I clutched at my chest, fighting the memories with all of my might. Alice's smile when she handed me the present, Jaspers growl as he lunged for me, the plates crashing under my weight.

"Hey, are you okay?" Emily asked just as the front door slammed, effectively pulling me away from my memories.

_Thank God._

I looked up to see Sam, Jake, Quil, Embry, and another man I didn't know walk into one of the front rooms and shut the door. I looked back up at Emily. She was only about a foot away from me now, her eyes filled with concern.

"Yeah." My voice came out in a raspy whisper, "It's just that I can relate."

Understanding crossed her face. She gave me a small smile before patting my shoulder lightly and taking her seat.

"If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here," She offered. I nodded my head, and looked back to the door they boys disappeared behind.

"I know Jake, Quil, Embry, and Sam, but who was the other guy?" I asked.

"Paul. Don't worry, you're not missing anything there." I quirked my brow at her. "Let's just say his attitude leaves something to be desired."

I laughed with her. We talked for a few minutes about the guys, school, and life. She knew about what had happened with me, but she didn't seem to judge me. She asked about me with honest concern and curiosity. I couldn't really get offended when I had so blatantly stared at her scars, so I answered her as best as I could.

I could never openly talk about Edward with someone, even if I wanted too. But while talking with Emily I almost wished I could. If I were to even open up about him, she would be the one I would want to talk to.

"No Jake. The less she knows the better, it will keep her safe!" Emily and I both looked up at the sound of Sam's voice. They hadn't come out of the room, but it was clear things were getting pretty heated.

"She _already _knows, that's what I'm trying to get you to understand! She might not know about us, but she definitely knows about them!" I heard Jake reply.

My mind was spinning with the information.

"How can you be positive she knows about them? She may be young and stupid, but surely she wouldn't have stayed with him _knowing_ what he was." I didn't recognize this voice, so I assumed it belonged to Paul. I sure as hell hoped so anyways because he was the only one in the room I didn't mind hurting.

'_Knowing what he was'_

"I know she knows, mainly because when they first met she asked me about them. It was before I knew everything was true. I sort of told her some of the stories, but she didn't believe me then.-"

Jake continued talking but I complete blocked him out.

Images were flooding my brain faster than I could hold onto them. All of the weird behavior I had witnessed over the last two weeks.

Edward's face when I spoke of going to La Push one day. _'We don't go there.'_

Standing on the beach hearing Sam, _'The Cullen's don't come here.'_

Jacob and I walking along the beach, listening to him tell me scary stories.

'_Stories about the cold ones'_

'My own great-grandfather knew some of them. He was the one who made the treaty that kept them off our land'

'You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf – well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men'

'You would call them werewolves'

I digested this new information.

HOLY SHIT. _Werewolves?_

Probably the most surprising thing was- I wasn't surprised at all. I had known something was up with Jake and his friends and once the initial impact of my realization wore off, I found it extremely easy to accept this new development. For Christ's sake, I had already accepted and embraced the idea of vampires. What difference did one more mythical creature make?

Emily sat watching me. I could feel the wicked gleam in my eye as I stood to confront the boys.

"You shouldn't go in there right now," She said as I started making my way down the hall.

"I shouldn't do a lot of things." I walked backwards down the hall, and grinned at her.

I didn't even stop to knock on the door, but barged in. They all looked up from their positions when I flung the door open. Quil and Embry sat on a couch against the far wall; apparently finding the show entertaining. Paul was fuming in a chair, hand balled into fists. Jake and Sam were both standing, Sam was in the middle of the room and Jake was leaning against a fireplace. They both looked annoyed.

I looked Sam square in the eyes. "You're werewolves."

Four jaws dropped.

Jake grinned and looked at Sam. "Told you."


	5. Chapter 4 Explanations

**AN: I don't own Twilight, I'm just playing puppet master!**

**THANK YOU everyone that is reading this story, and giving me a chance, Ya'll make my fucking day! **

**I need to thank my girls Missy and Sarah, they both put so much into this story and it wouldn't be the same without them! Also, to Debbie, cause she bugs me about the next chapter and makes me write! Love ya!**

**I want to wish everyone a Happy New Years and in the words of Edward….  
BE SAFE! **

_There is nothing we like to see so much as the gleam of pleasure in a person's eye when he feels that we have sympathized with him, understood him. At these moments something fine and spiritual passes between two friends. These are the moments worth living.  
– Don Marquis_

**CHAPTER 4 – Explanations**

All eyes were on me.

"Bella, why don't you sit down," Sam suggested.

I took a deep breath and walked over to the chair closest to Jake. I rested my elbows on my knees and held my face in my hands for a moment. I was happy that I knew the truth, but dreaded the inevitable conversation we would have to have. I wasn't sure how much they were aware of, but it was obvious they knew that the Cullens were vampires. They would have questions, and I would have to talk about Edward.

"Jake showed us the package you received." I raised my head enough to look at Sam. "Before we start talking about that, I think it'd be best for us to get an understanding about what each other knows. Obviously you know more than you probably should, so let's not beat around any bushes and just lay all of our cards on the table so to speak."

"Okay, you first," I told him. I wanted to know they would be honest with me before I told them anything.

Sam looked over at Jake, essentially giving control over the conversation to him. It was a pretty smart move, considering I was more willing to talk with Jake then with someone I didn't even know.

"You're right. We're werewolves, to an extent; we are able to shift into wolf form at will. Our sole purpose is to protect humans from vampires. Just like with any other wolf pack, we have an Alpha. Sam is ours." I nodded as Jake told me all the technicalities of being a werewolf. He went into detail about how they communicate with each other once they shift, as well as how Sam can give them commands that they have to obey. He was just getting to a part about how their temperatures are always so much higher than a normal human's and that's why they were never cold when Paul broke in.

"You don't need to tell her every damn thing Jacob. She don't need to know everything, she needs to be talking to us!"

"Shut up, Paul!" Embry jumped in, defending Jake and me.

"Why should I? It's none of her business how things work for us, we just need to get the information we need from her and she can go back to where ever she came from."

"You think I'm just going to let you pump me for information and then be shrugged off? You're fucking crazy! What do you really know about vampires other than what your stories tell you? Have you killed one yet? Have you even _seen_ one?" I paused, waiting for an answer that didn't come. "If you want to know what I know, you are going to want to watch what you say to me and about me." I looked at Paul, letting him know I had heard what he said about me.

"That's enough Paul, leave it alone." Jacob told him, anger dripping from his words.

Paul stormed out of the room mumbling something about 'stupid bitch in love with a bloodsucker'. I stared at the door, fuming.

"I'm sorry about him, Bella," Sam said from across the room.

"Don't be. Is that how you all feel?" I asked.

"We all have a unique set of circumstances." Sam glanced at Emily as he spoke. "We won't judge you for your choices. We all understand that you can't help who you love, whether we agree with it or not."

"Thank you." I really was grateful for his understanding. Sam sounded completely sincere, I noticed a look passed between him and Emily, I couldn't help but wonder what their circumstances were. He sounded as if he spoke from experience.

"Who sent you the box Bella?" Jake asked, trying to get us back on track.

"I don't know."

"Now isn't really a good time to keep secrets anymore. I swear I will answer any questions you have about us later, but we need to know as much as we can about this situation."

"I'm not keeping secrets, Jake. I really have no idea who it could be from," I told him honestly.

"Okay. Do you know what any of it meant then?"

"It means Phoenix." Confusion filled everyone's face. "Do you remember last year when I ran off to Phoenix and I fell?" Jake nodded. "Well I didn't really fall."

"I see. What did happen then?" Sam questioned.

"There was this vampire, James, he came after me. Edward defended me from him, and when he did, it set James off. He became obsessed with the hunt. Alice and Jasper took me to Phoenix to get me out of the way while the rest of the Cullens tried to deal with James. It didn't work though, and he found me. He was able to hurt me pretty badly before the Cullens arrived. It all happened in a ballet studio. That's what the mirrors and shoes mean."

"So then it's this James guy who sent it?" Embry assumed. I was shaking my head before he finished.

"He's dead," I told them.

"Are you sure? He could've…." Jake started.

"I'm positive. Emmett, Jasper and Alice - all three took him on. There is no way in hell they would've left without knowing for a fact he was dead. Edward…" I swallowed. "Edward was unbelievably protective. He would've made sure any danger to me was taken care of."

"So then it has to be one of them, the Cullens." Embry accused.

"No. I understand that you are natural enemies, but they wouldn't dream of doing something like this. They are good to their core. Their completely against any sort of violence, well except for Emmett." I smiled a little. "Carlisle wasn't even comfortable killing James, and he was trying to hurt Carlisle's family."

"Whoever it is, they're getting braver. Their scent was all over Bella's yard," Jacob spoke directly to Sam. I thought back to the way Jake had acted in front of my house.

"That's what you were doing at my house? Following a scent?" I raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"It's a natural thing for us, and a vampire's scent is easiest. They all smell different, just like humans, but there's something about their fragrance that literally stinks to us. It makes it easier to pick up on and to follow," he explained.

I nodded my understanding. "What did you mean when you said they're getting braver?"

"Well, we've been catching the same scent for a while now. They're careful not to make their presence known, but we all rotate patrolling the forest. About 4 months ago we started catching this same scent, at first we just thought it was a vampire passing through, but it would always reappear. It's a big part of why I was always at your house, even before you woke up. Considering the scent always seemed to be stronger near your home and when you add your history, well…"

"I was the common denominator," I finished, running a hand through my hair.

"I thought it might have been one of the Cullens checking in on you, what with everything that was happening at the time." Sam shifted uncomfortably, clearly not wanting to offend me. "There were no killings or any other indications that they meant any harm, so we just decided to monitor the situation from afar. However, now we know differently. But why would they wait? If they wanted to hurt you, what kept them from doing it already?"

"There would be no fun in killing me when I was out of it, for starters. Vampires like the chase; the power and control they can have over their victims is what makes it worthwhile for them. The note even said that they were scared I wouldn't be awake for the 'anniversary'. That may be another reason. Whoever it is was waiting for a day that would mean something and just bided their time until now."

I didn't even have to think about it to figure out what the date would be the anniversary of. March 16th would be one year since Phoenix. That part was easy, but everything else was giving me a headache. I knew that I had to be overlooking something, but so much had happened in just a few short hours and I just wasn't able to get my brain on the right track.

"We're all going to have to be ready, never let your guards down. Obviously Bella can't be left alone, so someone will stay with her at all times and another will be posted outside of her home. We'll rotate patrolling until we find whoever it is and get rid of them," Sam instructed.

"NO! You can't do this. This is my problem, I'll handle…" Jake cut me off.

"You'll handle it how, B? What could you possibly do to defend yourself?" I looked out the window, refusing to meet his eyes.

I knew the only way to end it would be to let them have me, I accepted that. Staying behind and allowing Jake and his pack to fight would only get someone hurt. Everyone else had so much more to live for than I did, there was no point in them risking their lives for me.

"You have no intentions of saving yourself, do you?" Jake accused, reading the defeat on my face. "So you're just going to quit, just lie down and die!?" I flinched at the harshness in his tone.

"What else am I suppose to do? I can't fight them, I can't out run them, and I can't let you get yourselves killed for me!" I snapped back at him.

"We won't! We are built for this; it's what we are meant to do. I won't let you let yourself get hurt," Jake argued back at me.

"Bella." Sam attempted to mediate our fight, "Jacob's right about this."

"Can you guarantee that no one will get hurt?" I asked Sam, raising my eyebrows and tilting my head to the side.

"There are no guarantees, but there are six of us. The chances of one of us being harmed are very small."

"There is no point in risking it though. Can't you see that?" I started pacing while I pleaded with them. "You all have so much to look forward to, lives to _live_, you shouldn't risk them on someone whose life is already hopeless!"

Jacob closed his eyes and turned his face from me. I didn't know if my words had hurt him or angered him worse. I should've been sorry for saying so much of how I truly felt, but if it would stop them from doing something so stupid, then I couldn't be.

Sam stared at me as if he could find some answer written on my face. I pleaded with my eyes for him to understand where I was coming from.

I would never love again, my heart was taken, whether the person who held it captive wanted it or not. There would be no marriage with 2.5 kids completed by a house with a picket fence. No long life of happiness waited for me. My future was simple; I would work my way through a life without Edward one day at a time. It would be routine, plain, and boring. I would simply do whatever I needed to in order to survive and wait for my time to come.

No one else in the room was cursed with such a fate; they could have all of those things. The idea of them giving up their chance at happiness for my empty existence was appalling. I didn't _want_ to die, I wouldn't go looking for death, but I wouldn't try to prevent it once if found me.

"What do you think your death would do to your parents?" Sam asked, searching for a weakness.

"They'd probably deal better with my death then with their daughter just checking out, with no way of helping her. At least this way they would know what happened to me, they would believe I was in a better place. They could hold on to the hope that I would be happy there." Sam's words had affected me far worse then I let on. Of course this wasn't true, especially for Charlie. The idea of causing my parents more pain hurt me tremendously, but the idea of someone dying in my place was worse.

"Bella," Jake spoke quietly, still not looking at me. "How do you expect me, or any of us, to live knowing you died and we could've stopped it? Explain to me how I could look at myself in the mirror _everyday_ knowing that I did nothing to keep you safe?" His words progressively grew stronger as he spoke. "Tell me how in the fuck am I supposed to carry that guilt?

"You may not think your life is worth protecting, but if I don't try then my life won't be worth living," he finished with a whisper.

I was stunned by the amount of emotion I'd invoked from Jacob. There wasn't just anger in his voice, but an almost betrayed sound, as if I had done something unthinkable to him. I could easily see the agony I would cause him if I chose to just give up and it nearly brought me to my knees.

I still believed in everything I had said. It was a pointless risk for them to fight for me. However, I had been on the receiving end when Edward made the decision to take himself away from me and I had been helpless to stop it.

No matter what was right or wrong in this situation, I would not, I _could_ not, knowingly cause someone I loved that kind of agony.

Jake's eyes met mine and I knew I had no choice. "Okay, what do we need to do?"


End file.
